Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I hate that saying, I really do. It is very cheesy, corny, and stupid. I must admit through that when life sucks what do you do? How do you behave? Do you react or respond? How would you feel if you thought life always gave you the short end of the stick?? Would you be bitter? Sad? Or just pissed off?? Welcome to what seems to be my world and how I chose to deal.

It started the summer my son was born and has not really stopped. The day we went into the hospital was my husband’s last day at his job. He had been there for years and it was a great job. He was able to work from home when ever he wanted. The pay was great and the benefits were amazing. Who could ask for more?? Well, except for the company to manage their debt a little better. The company went under…completely under. No one was left with anything. He was given some warning but, really not enough to do anything constructive with what time he had left. We were having a baby and needing to move out of our small apartment and he was without a job. Shit. I had other things on my mind…like having a BABY! I was scared because I am a wussy when it comes to pain but, I was more afraid for our future.

Next in line was my son’s first birthday. You only get the first one once. There is no do over or next time so you better get it right. I invited all of the family, I mean everyone! I hand made the invitations, order two cakes, bought the cuties party decorations, there was a ton of food and a cooler full of beer for the daddies. Only a few people showed and none of them are from MY SIDE of the family. Not even my parents could bother to be in town for their grandson’s first birthday. OH… and people told me they were coming and then just did not show up. I know my son did not notice or even care but, I SURE DID. I was heartbroken…then just pissed as hell. Not only did I spend time, energy and MONEY on this BBQ I just naturally expected my family to do for me what I do for them. I participate in their lives. I go to birthday parties, buy gifts for all the children, softball, basketball, soccer games, send cards on holidays, invite them over to dinner (and they show up to eat) so why would they not do the same for me and my husband and son? I must admit this was the last straw for my husband. The camel not only had a broken back... it was dead.

That very same summer I lose my job. I was told I was laid off but, when I filed for my unemployment benefits I receive a notification that my employer was appealing my them! It comes to find out that according to this huge national company that I worked for I was fired. That was news to me since my supervisor (who did not have a backbone by the way) told me I was laid off. So, six months and three postponements later we finally have a hearing. The employer is still not ready but, we move forward anyway. Their claims are simply just fantastic! My only hope is the judge will actually review all of the evidence I sent in showing what a good employee I was in my four years with the company. If I lose I must payback each check the state has sent me.

Family drama. I have a large family all from my mother’s side. We call them the litter. Not showing for my son’s first birthday was just the middle of a long line of crap they pull every few months. It is a constant, tiring battle with them. You see…. When you drink, smoke whatever you can get your hands on, beat your children and spouse, and are mentally unstable without the help of doctors and medications then you get my family. It is difficult to say the least. I am not without my faults but, the difference between me and them is when I need help I get it. I am not in denial about who I am. This was not always the case but, everyone comes to terms in their own time. Especially now that I have a child I am careful about what I do and who I do it with. My life effects his no matter what. The family drama always ends up the same. They accuse me of acting better than them because I have an education, because I set boundaries, because I will not allow certain abusive behavior… and anything else they can think of when their brains are not pickled with alcohol. Each time the ugliness happens I walk away for awhile but, in the past I have always returned. Not this time.

Even with all of my worrying things turned out alright. My husband was home for the first seven weeks of our son’s life and it was a wonderful time for us all. It was special and nothing could ever replace it. We were blessed with my husband losing his job. We see it now because we could not see it then. My husband job hopped for a while but, now has a stable gig that he is pretty content with.

The first birthday party showed me who my family really was and they are not blood related at all. My family is the friends who came and helped set up and tear down. They are the people who lavish love on my son… they are family.

Family is not something you are always born into… it is something you build. This is so very true. When you have a “family” like mine you wonder what you ever did to deserve such shitty treatment. Well, I did nothing to deserve the so called family I have. Yes, I was born to them but, I see it as something to overcome. I am getting an education and I am happily married with a beautiful child. This is so much more then what they have… it is moving on to better things.

As far as my own job issues are concerned I am still looking and setting a few things up for a big change. I was not happy where I was…not happy at all. I was afraid to move on. I thought needed the paycheck and the benefits for my family. What I have learned these past few months is to live with less “stuff” and still be very happy. We cut bills and a few things we did not need and now I find I do not even want those things anymore. Each morning I get up and receive wonderful kisses from a very happy little boy and each night we stare in wonderment at his silly little goldfish.

I view the world through my son’s eyes and it is refreshing. I have been opened to the possibilities and I love what I see.

Friday, April 9, 2010

A brief history

Growing up I never considered if I would be a mother or not, I just lived my life. I thought if it happened then it would and if it didn’t then it wouldn’t. Of course, I also thought my life would turn out differently than it has but, who doesn’t think that?

As a young girl I dreamed of the stage and stardom but, reality came crashing down when I discovered, to my surprise, I could not sing or act. I was crushed for two whole weeks. Who needed fame and fortune anyway?

Then, I thought I would become a missionary. The romantic calling of exotic far away lands, nursing the feverish brows of hansom young men back to health, spreading the Good News. The only thing was no one ever told me was far away lands did not have toilets or anything to wipe your butt with and the bugs are HUGE! (I have traveled so know what I am talking about) No one could convince me that I was destined to live without room service and at the very least a toilet so doing God’s work was out. On to the next career choice….

Student! I am THE eternal student. It is a never ending pursuit for that piece of paper to hang on my wall which says I have completed four years of the bullshit drama that is higher education. Ok, I must admit I have entered into and removed myself from college several times but, all were for good reason. As a teen fresh from high school I went to community college for three months only to be kicked out of the home I was living in with the parental units. Being homeless and going to school did not work. I tried again in my twenties and actually completed two years and transferred to a university. The “university” was a very small private school that did not manage their debt very well so they had to close their doors… no more school. Now, for a third time in my life I am in school but, this time is different than any other. I am a wife and a mother trying to find a balance between grocery shopping, housework, homework, dishes, paying bills, and trying to have a meaningful relationship with my husband and son. Plus, the cat is mental.

Stay tuned…..